i am angry

this post is more of a personal private journal entry and is never to be published. if in case it ever accidentally gets published i am sorry in advance for having to listen to me whine. i just dont know what to feel right now or to think. I am trying to be happy ... but its hard ...i am just angry. I hate it when my patience is tried. ... only 2 more weeks until we go home. thats what i need. but now... i am not excited. i am not excited because i will have to hear everyone talk about how excited they are for paul and sam and thier new baby. i wanna be excited too but i just cant be. I have been so patient waiting for my turn to be a mom. and i know its only been a year, but it was a hard year to wait. They are not married, nor do they live any means of the gospel. which, is thier choice. but i dont understand why heavenly father would open that window for them and not for us. why would he send a baby into a home like that? .. dont get me wrong they are going to be good parents and are good people...i mean he is my brother in law. i do love him and sam. but i have been waiting. and waiting and waiting. and it doesnt help at all that i miscarried last month. or so we think. ... grrr... i dont know. i sound so selfish. but Heavenly father knew this would hurt me. i have said multiple times... and he knows how bad i want a baby. why is it I that always has to learn patience?.. Why is his plan always different from mine? ... just once i want it to be the same. selfish i know. but i wander sometimes... why i always have to learn things the hard way. I really try to always be repentant and humble. i do everything i possibly can to live my life right... and try to be a good person. so WHY? i am entitled to be angry right? and cry alot right? cuz i am and i have.
Even worse, this is my husbands family we are talking about. i cant talk to anyone how i feel about it, not even my own husband. because i dont want to hurt his feelings. and because he will stick up for them and he has. whats a girl to do?