The other night I stayed up late writing a kind of angry post expressing my feelings about motherhood, and afraid of everyones reaction I didn't end up posting my feelings.
I just want everyone to understand whats it's like, and I don't think anyone does.
The next morning my friend Annie, had sent me a couple blog posts from a blog I think I will really enjoy. Thanks for thinking of me Annie, you must of known somehow I struggled with my thoughts just the night before.
This blog explains my thoughts perfectly, it is in regards to mothers day, but I think it relates to everyday.
She says:
"I suppose uncomplicated feelings towards Mother's Day are the blessing of the fertile. Until you have stared down a barrage of consecutive negative pregnancy tests, questioned your own body's most basic abilities, laid with your legs in the air for over an hour, or started to doubt that the future you'd planned for yourself could ever possibly happen, until then you can't get it. Until the sight of another woman's baby brings you to tears, or until you grow a really stupendously empathetic heart, I can't see how anyone could imagine the pain of yet another empty Mother's Day."
"(If you can't imagine hating Mother's Day, try this: Imagine a world wherein every second Sunday in April we celebrate National Super Model's Day, and guess what? Most of your friends are Super Models. In fact, 90% of the female population is five foot ten with impossible cheekbones. You're, like, the only short fat one in the bunch. And for weeks you must endure blog posts dedicated to "What to get for your other Super Model friends," and "What you can look forward to as a Super Model on your day to be celebrated," and "What being a Super Model means to me and why it's the greatest job ever." Meanwhile, it's not YOUR fault you're not a Super Model--oh, you'd be one if only it were merit based--but you have no control of your height, after all! Are you getting an inkling? National Super Model's Day sucks for short people. Trust me, I would know.) "
I say:
-I still feel like I'm the only women on the planet not pregnant yet. Maybe its where I live. Not meaning Hawaii, but married student housing. I need to move and just get a puppy. Then I won't feel so left out, and in Relief Society when everyone talks about "being a new mom" or the "joys of pregnancy" or when we have "pre-natal" activities, I can talk about my puppy (or just go inactive until I'm pregnant so i feel of some worth or value to my ward). Luckily I'm able to be less emotional about this matter (sarcasm). We keep saying that I just need to finish school, then Heavenly Father will bless us with children, and that has been my theory, but then right before my eyes 3- 4 of my friends STILL in school will get pregnant. And there goes my theory... and I re-play the stupid "WHY" game in my head all over again.
Its exactly like everyone is supermodels and your short and fat.
Someday, when I have three kids and I'm going crazy and my patience is running low.. ill read these posts and realize how bad I really wanted them. It will help me to appreciate them more. But for now, I'm stuck in a sea of thoughts and emotions.
Ill end positively with what she says next...
" I've wondered what I could say to you who still wait, what I would say to myself, and what Mother's Day should mean to me now.
Mostly, it comes down to that first moment, when I first clapped eyes on my Henry August, and when the nurse first laid him, heavy and real, in my arms. In that first instant I had the overwhelming realization that it wasn't a first for us at all. I'd known him from the beginning of time.
And so I've come to believe that our babies are always with us. We do not discover them or meet them, we are reunited with them. Thus, we are all mothers. Always. To babies on Earth, to babies in Heaven, to babies we have lost, to babies that are waiting for us to be found.
Our bodies will always let us down. That is the nature of a limited life in our limited sphere. It's a good thing, then, that being a Mother is an eternal thing. It's a good thing that being a Mother has nothing to do withanything temporary."
I find comfort in that. Truth is, some days are harder than others. One minute I'm buying a cute swimsuit for a friends baby girl, and the next I'm crying in my husbands arms, wandering why its not our turn yet.
Kilie, I know how hard it is and I am so sorry you are going through this. When I first found out I couldn't have children I wanted EVERYONE to know how painful it was and wrote about it on my infertility blog as a release. Sundays are the worst, it's a constant reminder of how different we are and a constant questioning of why? I just want to let you know that you shouldn't apologize for writing about this. The more you are willing to be open about it and bring awareness to the issue, the more inclined people are willing to come talk to you about the same issue they are having. I have found much comfort in being able to meet people in my ward or around me that are going through or have gone through the same thing so that we can share our feelings and support each other and most importantly, to know we are not alone. In the short time I have been here at BYUH I have heard a few people in different wards here bear testimony about their struggles to get pregnant. (I was so surprised, because you really never hear people talk about it.) So please know you are not alone. I know how lonely you must feel, but expressing your thoughts on this blog only makes you more empowered to help. You are helping people who are going through the same thing. You are making a difference and can continue to make a difference. Thank you.
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ReplyDelete-Ariana
its your blog, your personal space. you write whatever the freak you want! if people don't like it, they don't have to read it! my heart goes out to you. i feel so dumb after i rant about how i'm enjoying our time and not ready to be a mom when you so desperately deserve to be one right now. please ignore my posts when i rant like that, because i know it would have to be terrible to read that when the reasons you and i are in the same childless boat are different. my heart goes out to you!
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