Testimony

Last Sunday was Fast and Testimony meeting. I suck at sharing my testimony. So .. Ill post it. At the same time ill be fulfilling a new years resolution (bear testimony more online, via Facebook, blog, posting articles etc.. )

Recently I was given a calling. One i feel extremely inadequate to fulfill. I am the new coordinator of the Passionate Service Committee. To me, that is a lot of responsibility. Thats basically the job of the RS president but with our help. That is a lot of sisters to be responsible for, and to serve. I am going to need to be aware of all needs, and listen closely to the spirit when i get promptings, which a lot of the time i don't realize are promptings.

After receiving the calling, I told my husband I was excited for the calling. and I was...

Then Sunday rolled around... and as I got set apart and sustained, I freaked out. We came home from church and I started balling hysterically.. and the selfishness got to me. I realized more of what I would be doing. I realized that the sisters in our ward who have the most need are the pregnant sisters, or the sisters who just had babies. The ones I secretly despise. The ones I get angry and judgmental towards because they are having their second child, but I don't have my first yet, the ones who can't afford a child but are yet again able to carry a child. The ones who share experiences in RS about how excited they are to be a new mother, the sisters who are the exact reason I don't want to attend RS. Why in the world would Heavenly Father ask ME??? to serve these sisters when they have what I want more than anything in the world?  Why would he call me to do this when he is aware that for whatever reason my uterus has been a barren wasteland for now almost two years, yes TWO years. Why would this happen to ME when he knows I am oh so sensitive to this matter?

Poor Huston was so kind and supportive. He let me cry, because at first he didnt know why I was crying. And to be honest I think the tears were more because I was having such selfish feelings that I felt So bad. But then it all came out. Huston offered me ANOTHER blessing(I had just received one from the bishopric as I was set apart) and in that blessing I received so much insight and self esteem. I am so grateful for the priesthood, and that blessing. I was given a blessing of humility, and kindness. I was blessed with patience and sensitivity. I was blessed with insight to the Lord's plan and through my faithfulness I will receive blessings.  It was just what a I needed. The priesthood has amazing healing capabilities. At that moment, my heart was healed. I was given the strength I needed and motivation to fulfill this calling. I am now extremely grateful for the calling in which i received. I am grateful the Lord trusts ME to take care of his daughters. I can't tell you how many times I have had to call upon the priesthood since our marriage began. I am grateful Huston has always been a worthy holder who honors his duty.

I am so grateful for the blessings of the temple. We have learned so much this year about the temple and the more we attend, the more we understand our marriage covenants to each other and to God. The more it strengthens our marriage. If you are struggling in any way shape or form with marriage or family, I encourage you to attend the temple and remember those covenants that you made, and while your doing the work, think about why you love your spouse and how much they have done for you, even if at the time you don't feel its enough or much. I guarantee you as you are there in the House of the Lord, your love for the Savior and for your spouse will grow so much. I tear up every time I see my husband in all white, and his huge smile. I can imagine how I feel in the temple is how it will be when we are in Heaven. Recently we had the opportunity to spend a lot of time with many single people, and someone said to me, "Kilie you are lucky. You have a spouse who is willing to and working just as hard as you are to make it to the eternities. You are a good example to me, I hope I can have a marriage like yours" Not only was that a huge compliment to me, but made me realize how grateful I am for a husband who loves me just as much as he loves the Lord, and wants whats best for our family.

I am grateful for the powerful tool of missionary work/service. My brother in law, and brother are both currently serving missions. Their letters are so uplifting and encouraging. It is important that we are good missionaries and OPEN our mouths. Don't be afraid, although it's easier said than done. I am grateful for the work that my two brothers are doing. They are awesome!

I know more than anything, that the Lord loves his children and that HE HAS A PLAN. I have come to my senses and realized that my plan is NEVER the Lord's, which is why I have began to understand the true meaning of the word Faith. My favorite scripture as of late is "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not into thine own understanding, in thy ways, acknowledge him and he shall direct thy path."
God loves me. God wants me to be happy. God trusts me. God sees my true potential and this earth life full of trials is just the refiner's fire. I am grateful for this knowledge.

In the name of our Savior Jesus Christ AMEN.